The Iliad
(by Paul Griffin)
Agamemnon sailed to Troy,
Following a naughty boy;
Paris wanted to enjoy
A holiday with flighty
Helen, Menelaus' wife
Cause of ten years' loss of life;
Homer blamed her for the strife---
Her and Aphrodite.
Nine years later, all looked bleak;
Achilles proved a sulky Greek,
Wouldn't, in a fit of pique,
Even cross Salamander.
Agamemnon, somewhat shaken,
Quickly tried to save his bacon
And return the girl he'd taken
From his best commander.
'Late repentance isn't valid,'
Said Achilles, and he dallied
Till his friend, Patroclus, sallied
Forth to join the battle;
By Apollo he was chivvied,
Then was killed; Achilles, livid,
Rushing out from where he'd bivvy-ed,
Slaughtered men like cattle.
What he did then wasn't pretty:
Three times around the Trojan city,
Achilles, quite devoid of pity,
Chased the valiant Hector,
Killed him, and---O shameful deed!---
Dragged his horse behind his steed,
Denying him his urgent need---
A funeral director.
Priam, father of the dead,
Came to visit him and said:
'Mercy on my ancient head!
I will pay a ransom.'
Achilles, being much impressed,
Freely granted his request,
Thereby, as the world confessed,
Acting very handsome.
§
The Woman in White
(by O. Banfield)
Walter, a painter, returning one night,
Was suddenly met by a woman in white,
Escaped from a madhouse; she'd been put inside
For knowing the past of Sir Percival Glyde.
And then he met Marian, plain, with moustache,
And her young sister, Laura, who lacked her panache,
For, lovely and rich, she became the sad bride
Of debt-ridden, wicked Sir Percival Glyde.
Count Fosco then joined them in Blackwater Park;
He was fond of white mice, but his background was dark;
To share Laura's wealth he constantly sighed,
And hatched a foul plot with Sir Percival Glyde.
There were sudden departures and journeys by night,
And Laura was switched for the Woman in White.
The latter then very conveniently died,
And was buried as 'Wife of Sir Percival Glyde.'
Walter and Marian worked day and night
To prove Laura wasn't the Woman in White.
Sir Percival burned down a church on the side
And proved he was neither a Sir nor a Glyde.
Count Fosco was slain by the Mafia---alas!
Ending up on a slab in the morgue behind glass.
Walter gained his reward with fair Laura as bride---
She'd grown sane at the death of Sir Percival Glyde.
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